30 October 2011
My dearest Rita
Today should have been such a joyous day, a day of celebration and happiness. Instead I’m writing this with an achingly empty feeling in my heart. This morning you gave birth to a beautiful little colt, but soon afterwards he died. I’m not sure why. I have theories, but no theory, no knowledge will bring him back. Tonight he should have come prancing next to you into the stable, you making little sounds in your throat to direct him. Instead you came in alone.
Johan and I had to take his tiny body away from you. It broke my heart when you sniffed him over for a last time. I could only stand back, allowing you a last moment with him. For eleven months you carried him, nurturing him. Now you had to say goodbye.
I know what it feels like – losing a child. I know the feeling of emptiness and loss. Some will say that you’re just a dumb animal, what do you know about loss. But in your eyes I could see that you understood that he was not there anymore. He was gone. Tomorrow your udder will be big and painful. Where a sweet little mouth should have been, sucking away lustily, will be pain and discomfort. Please be patient, it will get better, I promise.
For the past few days I’ve been checking on you day and night. The anticipation like a cloak I wore against the world. Tonight that cloak has been torn. It is ragged with pain and sadness. I was hoping against all hope that your foal would give Johan a sense of hope. He has been so sad and depressed lately. But you know about it – you know how many times I’ve sat in your stable, or in Timo’s or one of the others, crying, praying, begging God for a miracle. For hope, for happiness and laughter to return to Johan. Many times you’ve pressed your gentle face against my hands or into my hair, trying to console me. And every time I’ve rested my hands on your swelling belly, dreaming dreams about the little foal that would soon be frolicking through the veld, with you anxiously in tow. Tonight he is frolicking, but in heavenly fields, watched over by Ceaser, Bea, Ryan, Xanna and Jilke.
I would have liked to have been there when he was born. I would have loved to hold him just once before he crossed the rainbow bridge. I would have loved to whisper into his tiny ears how much I love him and treasure him. I would have liked to hold him while the gentle angels claimed his spirit. I would have tried to pour enough of my life into him to save him, to see him get up, get strong and dance off on tiny hooves.
My dear, lovely mare, I love you and your herd mates so much. I cherish you all so much. You make my life so rich and happy when I look into your eyes, feel your soft skins under my hands and feel your warm breaths blow against my face.
I’m sorry, Rita, that I was not strong enough to save him. That I didn’t know what to do to make sure he would be okay. I will try my best to make sure you get well again. I will do everything in my power to help you and maybe, just maybe we will have another little angel from you, but this time he will stay with us, grow big, proud and strong.
As always Rita, I’m your loving companion, caretaker and friend. Antoinette
Faeriewood Friesians 